A hand off is not good manners
September 16th, 2007
I sent a drunken text message to a handful of names in my phone book last Thursday night after Conor’s gig
I want to challenge you to be a better person. Whoever you are.
Quite an eccentric message, really, but it was interesting to read the replies that came back over the next 24 hours. Anyway, I’m figuring that I was probably projecting my concerns for myself onto others, so in an effort to accept my own challenge I want to issue this official apology.
On two occasions last Thursday night I was approached by someone while in mid conversation with someone else. On both occasions I lifted my hand into the air and pushed it into their face, Dr. Evil style, with “hang on, hang on”. No matter how drunk I was, this is despicable behaviour for anyone. I’m deeply sorry – this is not indicative of how I want to represent myself or how I would ever wish anyone to represent me, even after a few drinks.
I’m sure both people know who they are and I sincerely hope, for my own sake, that these two incidents were isolated. Manners are so important to me and I cherish every case of good manners that I witness or that I can demonstrate.
Peace.
5 Responses to “A hand off is not good manners”
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September 17th, 2007 at 11:37 AM
Hey…
Interesting post. I’ve got 2 cents. You want ‘em?
I think it’s about perception really. The perception the person wielding the hand (The Wielder) has of themselves and the perception the person being wielded to (The Wieldee) has of The Wielder, err.. if you follow.
One of my best friends* is a complete dickhead. Not really (my perception), but that’s the perception most people have of him. In fact it’s most peoples first impression of him. Those who know and get him feel the complete opposite.
His perception of himself is not too dissimilar (when in public at least) to that of most people, he believes he is in fact a dickhead. And he behaves in dickhead ways (especially when drunk). Yet to those who know and get him, this only endears him to them further.
So what’s my point? If you think too much about how you want to be perceived, you’re not really letting your true self out. I’m not saying that being a hand wielder is your true self, but perhaps it’s closer to your core than the person you want people to see.
Ultimately, if you really want people to know and get you, then the person close to the core is the one they should see. Again, perception. Someone who truly knows and gets you wont give a shit how you treat them on a superficial level – e.g good manners*** is superficial compared to acts of compassion.
Of course when it comes to things like networking with people in our industry you want to put the best (most money making, job satisfactionificationing) face forward. But in more private circles, I find at least, it works out better for me to just turn off the best face monitor, and let me be me, and things that happen, happen.
*Do the cents make sense? Or am I just a waffler. And is that the true me or the person I want people to see? Arrrgggghhhh!!! **For you Freudists, I swear I’m not talking about me, but an actual real life person who is definitely not me.*I value them too, but not at the expense of other (more hidden)qualities.
Eamo
September 17th, 2007 at 11:57 AM
Eamo,
definitely hear ya there—I think you’re getting at the difference between socialising with people you’ve not built up sufficient levels of comfort around.
One of my biggest problems recently has been trying to control the way I act around new acquaintences – some of my friends from school etc. I’ve known for 10-15 years and can act pretty much any way I like without consequence or judgement.
The handoff in and of itself was only supposed to be a playful, familiar gesture – but it’s a rude thing to do, point.
I’m all for acting natural and taking life as it comes, but like it or not, society dictates a certain pattern that we have to at least fit in with as we get used to each other in social relationships – indeed, the formation of a new relationship, in my experience, can be very shaky and should be treated with care and attention if it’s a potentially valuable one.
God knows there’ve been a few screwed up in the past…
September 18th, 2007 at 11:25 AM
I wouldn’t worry about it Paul. Remember earlier in the evening when we were having a discussion around the ‘PaddysValley’ table and you said something about Facebook which I completely misheard (I’ve poor hearing, especially with background noise) and responded in a way that baffled you. Your bafflement threw me off and I started waffling about what I thought you’d said. Which in turn threw you off and I could see the look of bewilderment on your face. I’m a very poor (offline) socializer and have almost of cracked up in this kind of situation before but on this occasion had the sense to finally admit I’d misheard you and asked you to repeat what you said. Phew, that put me at ease and an interesting conversation went from there (about the visit to Facebook’s office).
My point is you probably don’t even remember this but for me it was almost a ‘wish the ground would open up and swallow me’ occasion. So my perception of it was probably exaggerated in my own mind. Then again you probably do remember it and are still wondering what that weirdo was harping on about ;-)
September 18th, 2007 at 10:31 PM
Interesting, in many ways.
To what you said in your comment there Paul, I think I’ve noticed with geeks with learned (as opposed to naturally occurring) social skills is that sometimes we are so delighted to find people who we connect with that we skip the “awkward acquaintance” stage and go directly to acting ourselves.
Perhaps I’m projecting and it’s not just these type of geek. I’m definitely one of the “learned social skills” geeks (I actually bought a book on it in my teens).
The skill I’d really love to acquire is to learn from mistakes and move on without replaying them repeatedly – that’s a valuable one.
September 19th, 2007 at 12:10 PM
@James I really didn’t think twice about that at all – very revealing indeed – but just imagine if you had asked me and I’d stuck my hand in your face – how would that have made you feel? There’s a huge divide between unfortunate miscommunication and the brash communication of asshole that I displayed.
@Alistair I think there’s a fine balance between learned, picked up and natural social skills and it’s not necessarily an easy balance to maintain. Eamo above advocates acting as natural as possible all the time (I think) , but I’d have to disagree with that – as you say, sometimes we do skip the “awkward acquaintance” stage – which in my experience is hugely important in developing a healthy relationship – and building up a sense of trust.
Conversely, I rarely trust anyone who is over-familiar with me early on, yet sometimes I display that same trait.
Only after a few drinks, though, so that’s ok … right?!